I started my new job today. I was a bit anxious about it at times. At my previous job I had trained myself to look busy because the manager was always watching you. Trying to micromanage everything. Now I don’t have to look busy, because I am busy.
It’s sorta difficult to try to relay how anxious I seem to get sometimes. I guess it has to do with this depression and anxiety that I’ve been fighting for about a month now. Camp helped. And this job will help eventually, once I get used to it and in a set routine. Now things seem to be so Topsy-turvy that it seems like it’s an unsurmountable peak that I can’t reach. I know I can do it. It’s just a matter of convincing myself that I can. I am my own worst enemy.
Does low self esteem attribute to depression and anxiety? It must, because I’m feeling it now. I’ve never really understood my reasoning for low self esteem. It is so easy for me to build up others. But I leave myself out in the cold at times. Why do we choose to love others, but not love ourselves? Why are we told to be humble and not give compliments to ourselves?
It’s kinda like that kid I talked to at camp.
Kid: No one in my cabin likes me.
Me: No one at church likes me.
Both of which cannot be true. Sure there might be people in the cabin and church who don’t like me. But I really need to move past that. I do plenty of good. I just need to remember that I can’t be perfect. But I will always be loved.