It’s called ruminating. It’s what makes you depressed. Turning over something negative over and over in your mind without coming to a conclusion on it. Keep doing it and you too will become depressed. You won’t be able to stop at times.
Things are getting better. Day by day. I just wish it could get better sooner. At times I think I’ll never get out of this. Other times I see a bright future. I have to keep telling myself that things will get better.

For those of you uninitiated, depression is a very real thing. It is not just the blues. Not just having a bad day. It’s days and weeks of having bad days. It can mean not sleeping at times. It can mean having your stomach tied up in knots. I don’t know if I’ll get better. I am tired of feeling this way, but I don’t know how or where to stop.
You hate the things you used to enjoy. Your faith in God takes a rollercoaster ride. What happened? I don’t know.

You haven’t seen me in a while. Server problems with the webpage. And depression. Depression is difficult to come out of. I think it happened from a combination of things. Mostly just having a terrible job for 5 months. Things have gotten better since I got a new job. But many times I just feel isolated and alone. I’ve withdrawn myself from friends and spend much of my time in my room staying on the computer. Right now I prefer a virtual conversation via IM rather than a conversation in person.
I wish things could get better. I don’t know if they will. I don’t have much of an appetite. I force myself to eat sometimes.
One thing I really like is my job. I look forward to going to work everyday since it keeps me busy. I feel like I am accomplishing alot at work. And I know I can do my job. It’s weekends like these where the depression and emptiness can get to me. I used to be so much better. Now it seems like I’m a shell of myself.
Sorry to be so depressing. I hope reading this entry hasn’t gotten you down. I don’t mean to.

I started my new job today. I was a bit anxious about it at times. At my previous job I had trained myself to look busy because the manager was always watching you. Trying to micromanage everything. Now I don’t have to look busy, because I am busy.
It’s sorta difficult to try to relay how anxious I seem to get sometimes. I guess it has to do with this depression and anxiety that I’ve been fighting for about a month now. Camp helped. And this job will help eventually, once I get used to it and in a set routine. Now things seem to be so Topsy-turvy that it seems like it’s an unsurmountable peak that I can’t reach. I know I can do it. It’s just a matter of convincing myself that I can. I am my own worst enemy.
Does low self esteem attribute to depression and anxiety? It must, because I’m feeling it now. I’ve never really understood my reasoning for low self esteem. It is so easy for me to build up others. But I leave myself out in the cold at times. Why do we choose to love others, but not love ourselves? Why are we told to be humble and not give compliments to ourselves?
It’s kinda like that kid I talked to at camp.
Kid: No one in my cabin likes me.
Me: No one at church likes me.
Both of which cannot be true. Sure there might be people in the cabin and church who don’t like me. But I really need to move past that. I do plenty of good. I just need to remember that I can’t be perfect. But I will always be loved.

This is what I was told.
Realize that not everyone will like you. No matter what you do, some people will never like you. Your job is to please God. If you do please God, then the residual effect is that God-loving people will respect you. That’s all.
Choose to worry about things that you can control, rather than things you cannot control. All troubles can be classified into 2 groups. Controlable and non-controlable. I used to worry about the weather. Then I figured out that I could not control it, so I don’t bother anymore. I don’t even carry an umbrella lots of times.
Above all, think positive. If you are able to imagine yourself as doing good works and knowing that you are able to perform to the best of your ability, you will. God tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. But do we really love ourselves? We must in order to fulfil God’s will! After all, we were made in the image of God. Shouldn’t we at least be able to find joy when we look at ourselves in the morning?

“Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds”
–Bob Marley, Redemption Song.

We are reasons so unreal
We can’t help but feel that something has been lost
But please you know you’re just like me
Next time I promise we’ll be
Perfect
Perfect
“Perfect” – Smashing Pumpkins
My problem is that I’ve been trained to be perfect. For a good several months, my job was to be perfect. No where else was I allowed even one mistake. I was trained to be exact. I was told “Don’t assume anything.” I wasn’t allowed to think for myself. Mindless slaves of one functionally illiterate person. Ask ask ask. If you don’t know, ask.
It is true. I was called on misspellings in my emails. Proceedure was more important than the actual outcome.
This has affected me greatly. Both in my personal and spiritual life. I can’t possibly be perfect. And now I am afraid of making even minor mistakes.
The good thing is God’s grace. Christians aren’t perfect people. Just forgiven.

So I need glasses. But it isn’t that serious. Just more or less whenever I feel as though I need to wear them. Driving at night. Staring at the computer screen. I’m not going blind, mind you. Just a slight stigmatism.
I went back to my old eye doctor. I hadn’t been back since 1995. My mom always wants me to go to this guy because he’s a professional and was able to help out my grandfather with glaucoma issues. Or something like that. Really not much happened during this examination. They always put you in those long rooms so that they can project the letters on the screen. Got plenty of eye drops. And when I was picking out my glasses I couldn’t see anything, so who knows if these glasses even look reasonable on me. I’ll post a picture and ask those of you who are still able to read this to give me your thoughts.

no�men�cla�ture n.
1. A system of names used in an art or science: the nomenclature of mineralogy.
2. The procedure of assigning names to the kinds and groups of organisms listed in a taxonomic classification: the rules of nomenclature in botany.
Yeah. That’s one too. Word of the day. Ya know.

Maybe I should start calling this “Word of the Day.”
at�tri�tion n. –
1. A rubbing away or wearing down by friction.
2. A gradual diminution in number or strength because of constant stress.
3. A gradual, natural reduction in membership or personnel, as through retirement, resignation, or death.
4. Repentance for sin motivated by fear of punishment rather than by love of God.

What an interesting word. I like #4 the best. However #1 is cool too. “Friction, baby” sums it up (also the name of a Better Than Ezra album).
Fear of Hell motivates alot of people. It is a shame that the love of God doesn’t motivate more people. Isn’t being motivated by fear a selfish action?
Bill Cosby summed it up in Himself when he spoke of his parents: “You’re looking at a old person who is trying to get into heaven.”

tri�fec�ta – n. A system of betting in which the bettor must pick the first three winners in the correct sequence. Also called triple.
I like to use new words which come across the net discussion boards. Trifecta is one of those words. Mostly it comes from betting practices. But now it seems to be used in news stories that come in 3’s. Such as 3 famous people dying of a certain genre during a short period of time. Or it could be 3 plane crashes. 3 of any similar news stories.
George W. Bush used the word in some campaign speeches in 2002.

“You know, I was campaigning in Chicago and somebody asked me, is there ever any time where the budget might have to go into deficit?
I said only if we were
at war
or had a national emergency
or were in recession. (LAUGHTER.)
Little did I realize we’d get the TRIFECTA.”
George Bush – February 27, 2002