Christine (host): As you may have guessed this week’s show is about drugs. Except we can’t really make it about drugs or we’d get taken off the air. ‘You can’t do that on television.’ Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they’re kinda fun, but I don’t need them. I mean I’m not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.
[Walks off stage to a table of custard pies]
You don’t have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction.
Can’t a girl get any pies in privacy….any privacy for pies? I don’t need them…
[In walk 3 other cast members (Kevin, Mike, and Angie). Their faces are covered with custard pie remnants.]
Kevin: Listen man, you gotta spat pies sometime.
Christine: No, Kevin, I don’t gotta do nothing.
Mike: It’s good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.
Angie: It’s not bad for you Christine. You won’t get addicted or anything.
[Kevin splats a pie in his face]
Christine: I just don’t understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes…your school work suffers… You get so sticky you can’t even sleep at night.
Kevin: Listen sister, don’t knock it til you try it.
Christine: Well I’m not going to try it. I think you guys are all deporable.
[Christine walks off leaving the remaing 3 with the pies on the table]
Mike: Waste not. Want not.
[The rest remain and continue to splat pies in their faces repeatedly.]

And so the rest of the show had the kids splatting pies in their faces, pie dealers…etc…
It was good. Splatting pies was the best emphimism for drug use. And much more appealing than Nancy Reagan’s lame “Just So No” campaign. I don’t think you could have handled a show about drug use in such a humorous fashion.